On motherhood, poop and Labrador tails…

So it’s been a reeeeeeeeaaaaallly long time since my last post, which makes me sad because I really want this blog thing to be somewhat regular. So with that, I’m challenging myself to do not one blog post a month, but a minimum of 2 monthly posts! Let’s see if it actually happens.

I have a spectacular reason for not posting in quite some time: I’m a new mom!! I gave birth to a 7 pound, 15 ounce buddy named Erik Christopher on September 25th at 7:05am. I’ve noticed that lots of other bloggers write about their birth stories so I thought I’d share mine, in a sparkly manner of course.

Chris and I went in for our 40 week checkup, and as the doc checked me for dilation (which was happening), she frowned and said, “that’s not a head, that’s a butt.” With that, we had to schedule a c-section for the following morning. This came as quite a shock because we’d been told not two weeks prior that my son had turned and was starting to drop. I have no recollection of feeling him turn BACK around, but then again I still didn’t have a clue as to what exactly was going on in my uterus, except that there was a living thing moving around in there.

On a side note, it’s weird how many mothers-to-be are so in-tune with their babies and bodies that they are able to identify exactly what the baby is doing inside of them and exactly where certain body parts are. Being a master of BS, I would oftentimes tell people, “feel that, that’s his foot kicking me in the ribs,” or, “oh, there, that’s his little knee!” I am now fully willing to admit that not once did I have an inkling of a CLUE which body parts were moving where. The only thing I could identify were hiccups, which were cute as hell and now that he’s 5 weeks old, STILL make me giggle and pull out my camera to video whenever they happen.

So cue to the next morning at 4:45. We headed to the hospital and I was taken back to the prep area where any sense of shame was promptly removed. People think with a c-section it’s magical because people don’t have to look at your vagina and you don’t poop yourself. Well, that’s not entirely true (except the not pooping yourself part). Oh, hello catheter – happy to see you, friend! I swear, half the hospital was in the room when that sucker was inserted.

Anywho, I guess the not-so-magical part of having a c-section is, well, the c-section. Didn’t feel much of anything except loads of pressure but apparently my organs are re-arranged to get the baby out, which my dear husband watched with wide eyes, wagging his bushy tail and snapping pics with his iPhone. Then, all of a sudden with no warning, we heard two coughs and an infant crying. I of course cried and when he was handed to Chris, I kissed his little face and took him in although he looked extremely pissed. It was definitely not a disappointing experience but I must admit I was kind of bummed at how, well, common it seemed. I had this vision of the doctor pulling him out, lion-kinging him and yelling out, “It’s a BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY!!! Congratulations mom and dad – dad, you ready to cut the cord??” But instead they let me kiss him, then whisked him away. I learned in recovery that the little guy had fluid in his lungs and had to be taken away for observation for up to 6 hours. 6 HOURS??????

I’ve NEVER been so nervous/terrified in my life. All I wanted was to see and hold my baby boy. 4 hours later, they brought him into my room and handed him to me. He was pronounced healthy and no longer needed to be observed. So we started breastfeeding him and I ate deli meat. Yum.

Out of this whole experience, I learned quite a few things:

1) While the c-section completely blew, it wasn’t as bad as I’d anticipated it being. Recovery has not been horrible (though I say that with the help of Percocet for, oh, 2 weeks post-op). I’m now at a point where I can say that I’m starting to feel moderately normal again and the pain is dissipating.

2) I think if humans had tails, Chris would have a fluffy squirrel tail. I would want a sassy, swift cat tail. It would be really obnoxious to have one of those really hyper Labrador tails. Those people would definitely be annoying – “jeez, here comes Steve with his stupid tail.” And Steve would always have to eat lunch at a table by himself or with other Labradors because, well, he annoys people. UGH.

3) Breastfeeding, yeah, that….NOTHING could have prepared me for just how tough it’s been, BUT IT’S WORKING AND ERIK LOVES IT!!!!!  Babies dream about boobs and it’s really cute. Chris said he imagines Erik’s dreams placing him in the Never Ending Story, blissfully riding along on Falkor but instead of Falkor (the luck dragon) he’s riding a giant boob. Thus, the name of the story would change to the Never Ending Supply of Milk.

4) Never in my life thought I’d get so excited about burps, farts and the consistency/frequency of poops. “Honey, come in here, the kid shit all over the wall again but look at the beautiful mustard-yellow color!”

5) Motherhood rocks.

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